All Humans Crave Connection. Screens Get in the Way.
Have you ever been reading in a coffee shop when a sudden, loud screech shatters your reverie? You look up to see a child screaming and flailing about while their parent stares at their phone. It’s easy to become annoyed in this situation. Or, perhaps, even worse, you are that parent with the screaming child.
Why does a child act out so viscerally when their parent or caregiver is distracted by a device? It’s caused by something called “Technoference,” a term coined by experts to describe disruptions in face-to-face time caused by phones and other mobile devices.
What’s Really Going On Here?
We humans are built for connection with others. Even babies have an adverse reaction when a parent or caregiver is not engaging to show they are present. This response to distracted parents isn’t caused only by mobile devices.
In the 1970s, a psychologist named Dr. Ed Tronic conducted the “Still Face” experiment with a mother and baby. They videotaped a mother interacting normally with her baby, who was sitting in a highchair. Then, the mother was instructed to adopt a non-responsive expression and not interact with her baby for two minutes. Almost immediately, the baby showed signs of increasing distress.
Results of further studies consistently show that children become distressed when their parent adopts a “still face” rather than showing expression and engagement with their child. Children make increasingly desperate bids for attention and begin to show signs of feeling sad and stressed out. Even once the parent stops having a still face and starts engaging normally again, it takes the child some time to recover.
“Research has shown that children who have parents who are not responsive to their needs have more trouble trusting others, relating to others, and regulating their emotions.”
(Dr. May Gregory, Clinical Psychologist)
A later experiment showed adults react the same way when their romantic partner stops engaging with them. In fact, the experiment found that adults and infants move through the same stages while trying and failing to connect.
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Step One: Protest or push for attention
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Step Two: Turn away
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Step Three: Have a meltdown
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Step Four: Reconnect and repair
To illustrate the point, there is a video of a couple waiting to begin therapy. The female patient repeatedly attempts to connect with the male patient, while he remains distant and detached. The methods she uses to get him to communicate with her become increasingly desperate until he finally reconnects. She is visibly relieved when he starts communicating with her again.
Enter Smartphones
Not surprisingly, studies now show children also have an adverse reaction when a parent is distracted by a digital device. Just like with the Still Face Experiment, they make increasingly desperate attempts to get the parents’ attention. Kids show signs of stress and sadness, and some even try to flee the situation. Babies as young as 5 months old will try to escape from their highchairs after being repeatedly ignored by a distracted parent using a device.
What’s more, technoference can interfere with any relationship, even among adults. How annoying is it when you're right in the middle of sharing a story with a friend when they suddenly pull out their phone? The results of the study listed above, demonstrate why this rubs us the wrong way. And, because we love coining new terms, this behavior is now referred to as “Phubbing.”
Phone + Snubbing
“No one likes to feel ignored or unimportant; it's no surprise that phubbing is linked to poorer relationship well-being.”
But with children, technoference might have a more profound impact than just inducing distress. A study examining parent-infant interactions found that technoference increased parental distraction and affected typical language development.
“73% of caregivers used technology during a meal, which reduced their attention to their children.”
Research shows that parents who use phones around their kids pay less attention, talk less, and have lower-quality interactions with their kids. This explains why technoference leads to increased problems in child-parent interactions. While the child escalates to get a distracted parent's attention, a distracted parent is more likely to respond harshly. It’s also common for parents to report lower feelings of connection and greater stress after being distracted by a device.
Frequent and repeated device distraction also interferes with attachment between parents and their kids, as parents miss meaningful opportunities to connect with their child and help them learn to regulate their emotions. This matters because children develop best with their parents' support and interaction.
Children younger than 2 years need hands-on exploration and social interaction to develop their cognitive, language, motor, and social-emotional skills. Fewer verbal and nonverbal interactions between parents and children may eventually affect a child’s school success.
“Babies demonstrate the same behaviors seeking connection to their father as they do with their mothers.”
(Dr. Mary Gregory, Clinical Psychologist)
What Parents Can Do
Parents can make positive changes for themselves and their children by becoming more aware of how and when they use their devices. Finding other ways to connect with people and have fun without using a device can make tech use healthier for the whole family.
When you do use your device while interacting with your child, tell them what you're doing and why. For example, if you need to send someone a quick message before you forget, tell your child first, so they feel you’re still present. If you need to make an exception to house rules, tell your children why. For example, if you need to have your phone at the dinner table because you are expecting an important call.
And here are “17 Strategies to Help You Limit Your Screen Time.”
