An Expert Shares a Tip All Parents Need to Know

What Parents Can Do Instead of Giving Their Kid a Phone

Social psychologist and bestselling author Jonathan Haidt says parents should coordinate with other nearby parents to create a “playborhood.” If they work together to encourage outdoor play rather than online time, the kids will benefit and be much happier and healthier.

Key Takeaways

• Parents feel pressure regarding their children's smartphone use. 

• A “collective action trap” happens when parents feel like their kid is the only one without a phone.

• Parents should collaborate to set boundaries, ease the pressure of smartphone use, and promote outdoor play.

• Parents can take “coordinated action” to reclaim their kids’ childhoods from screens and foster real-world interactions among other children.

So much of our social and community life now happens online. It might feel impossible to go off the grid entirely without missing out on so much that’s out there. If even adults experience FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) at the thought of leaving social media, imagine how kids must feel.

Parents face a tough choice. Some may hesitate to get their child a smartphone but also worry that failing to do so would have negative social consequences. No parent wants their child to be the only one without a smartphone, missing out on important socializing through group chats and messaging apps. 

So, what’s a concerned parent to do?

The only reason so many parents feel pressured to give their kids a smartphone is that they think everyone else has one. Social psychologist and bestselling author Jonathan Haidt refers to this pressure as a “collective action trap.” But the good news is that understanding the trap is the first step towards escaping it. 

The Real Reason Kids Want Smartphones

No parent wants to see their kid feeling lonely and excluded, which is why they feel trapped. 

However, Research shows that when kids ask for a phone, it’s not really about having a desire for the device itself. What drives the request is peer pressure, fear of social exclusion, and FOMO.

In fact, Haidt’s studies show that older kids don’t actually want to feel like they have to use social media and be on their phones all the time. 

Parents Taking Collective Action for Their Kids

The truth is, no one’s child has to be the only one without a phone. Plenty of other parents are out there looking for allies. 

“If enough families wait together, no child feels singled out.” - Wait Until 8th

In fact, there’s a strategy that could give parents and kids the best of both worlds: Less time on devices and more time socializing. “Collective action” means parents talking to other parents with kids around the same age who live nearby. Together, they can encourage their children to spend less time indoors on screens and more time outside playing together. 

Obviously, if only one child outside wants to play, it won’t work. Other kids need to be out there ready to engage as well. This is what Haidt calls a “playborhood.”

The Many Benefits of In-person Play

Those of us who grew up before smartphones had very different childhoods than kids have today. We spent our free time playing outside, walking over to friends’ houses, riding bikes, and playing board games. Those types of activities promote healthy development and social skills.

And it turns out this was more important than we knew. 

Studies show that in-person play is key to building thriving brains, bodies, and social bonds. When children play, it improves their abilities to plan, organize, get along with others, and regulate emotions. In addition, play can help with language, math, and social skills, and even help children cope with stress.

“Independent play and child-directed play support healthy development and help children build resilience, self-confidence, and social competence.” —American Academy of Pediatrics

Unsupervised, outdoor play with other children is especially beneficial. Outdoor play has been shown to:

• Lower stress

• Provide better emotional regulation

• Improve social skills

• Increase physical activity

• Improve mental health outcomes

“Living and learning through nature is essential to child and family well-being. It is not an extra, it is essential.”  – Joan Lombardi, Adjunct Professor and Principal Advisor, Stanford Center on Early Childhood

Despite these many benefits, statistics show a decline over decades in the amount of time children spend playing with their peers and parents. One of the primary reasons for this is the rising use of media and screen time. As a result, healthy child development has been negatively impacted in many ways, including social isolation and sleep deprivation. Because of this, anxiety and depression have become much more prevalent among today’s youth.

This is why it’s in the best interest of all parents to delay smartphone use, establish healthy boundaries, and connect with other families who want to do the same. Our children's mental health is too important.

And it turns out parents don’t need to worry that their kids will resist the change, or be resentful for not getting a phone. Kids actually love the idea! Haidt surveyed kids to find out whether they would rather play video games online or play unsupervised outside with other kids. “And by a big margin, kids choose to play outside.”

The Takeaway

Parents assume that kids prefer playing video games and being on social media, but surveys show that kids would rather play with other kids unsupervised outside. But there have to be other kids outside to play with. Parents can work together to create a playborhood where kids play outside and instead of being online.

Frequently Asked Questions

Question: Why do parents feel pressured to give their child a phone?

Answer: Many families worry their child will be left out socially if they don’t have a smartphone. Jonathan Haidt calls this a “collective action trap.” It’s where people feel they have to join in because everyone else is.

Question: Will my child be socially isolated without social media?

Answer: Studies suggest children don’t actually love social media; they fear being excluded. When groups of families delay together, that social pressure drops significantly.

Question: What is a ‘playborhood’?

Answer: A playborhood is a community where nearby families agree to let children play together regularly without smartphones. It creates real-world connection and independence without social media pressure.

Question: What age does Jonathan Haidt recommend giving a child a smartphone?

Answer: He argues children should be protected from smartphones and social media until they are well into puberty. Delaying access helps support focus, emotional development, and real-world social skills.

Question: Does delaying a child's smartphone use put them behind in the digital world?

Answer: Haidt says early exposure isn’t necessary for digital success. Building attention, independence, and critical thinking in childhood better prepares children for adult life.